This is the sort of news story that just gets me so mad. When I get really mad at a story on the radio, I’ve been known to start yelling back at it. I can’t do that here, but I’m going to try the next best thing.

Back in the heyday of Mystery Science Theater 3000, fans had great fun taking Usenet postings — mostly spam and bad fanfic — and setting Joel (or Mike) and the Bots on them. You can find many of these at The MSTing Mine.

What I’m doing here is similar, but not necessarily intended to be funny. The article is written by Deborah Zabarenko, and appeared on the Reuters newswire yesterday. I’ve pared it down a bit.

     WASHINGTON, Jan 7 (Reuters) - The United States delayed
     a decision on whether global warming threatens polar
     bears, saying on Monday new data and public comment
     required more time. Environmentalists vowed to sue
     for quicker action.

New data? Like, maybe, the polar bears are dying even faster than you thought? Public comment?! How many people do you need telling you “Bite me!” in order to get the message? Here’s one more: Bite me!!

     The deadline for deciding whether to list the big white
     bears as threatened under the Endangered Species Act is
     Wednesday but Dale Hall, head of the U.S. Fish and
     Wildlife Service, told reporters it would take as much
     as a month more to analyze all the information.

This is the first time you’ve ever looked at the information? Dude, you’ve been part of the Fish and Wildlife Service since 1978! You put 300 species onto the Endangered Species List between 1991 and 1997. Come on.

     This is the first time global warming has been a factor
     in proposing threatened status for any U.S. species,
     Hall said, and that has added to the complexity of the

It won’t be the last. You should have been prepared for this. Oh right, I forgot. Your boss and his cronies don’t believe global warming exists.

     The act indicates the one allowable reason for a delay
     in adding a species to the list is "substantial
     scientific uncertainty" but Hall denied in a telephone
     news conference that this was the reason.

Of course. Your boss doesn’t believe global warming exists, but you don’t dare actually stand up and say that.

     "I'm not saying that there is scientific uncertainty
     under the act and it's unfortunately one of those
     times ... we'll have to miss the deadline in order to
     provide the quality product that needs to be provided,"
     he said.

Quality product?! We’re not talking about Gund bears here! It’s a pretty sounding excuse for foot-dragging and stonewalling, is what it is.

     While all the other 1,300 or so species on the list
     were clearly threatened by deforestation or vanishing
     wetlands, Hall said the climate connection to the polar
     bear case required help from government scientists to
     understand the various impacts of global warming.

But we can’t really trust those government scientists. At least not until someone other than George W. Bush is signing their paychecks.

     The Endangered Species Act defines a threatened
     species as one likely to become endangered in the
     foreseeable future. Hall said the scientific data
     would "help us understand that 'foreseeable future'
     question:  what's going to happen in the next 45
     years, because that's really the question."

Oh, come on. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Or a biologist.

     "The Bush administration has squandered seven years
     denying the devastating scientific evidence of global
     warming," Kert Davies of Greenpeace USA said in a
     statement. "Stalling has cost us dearly, putting the
     polar bear at risk of extinction and jeopardizing the
     future welfare of billions of people around the world."

     Greenpeace, the Natural Resources Defense Council and
     the Center for Biological Diversity said in a joint
     statement they plan to start the legal process on
     Wednesday with a formal notice to sue, as required
     under the Endangered Species Act.

Thank goodness someone’s doing something.

P.S. The walrus are dying too.

This is just too much …
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